Week of December 28, 2009

SCHOOL DISTRICT DEPARTMENT HEADS

K-8 Learning - Ellen Mentory

Student Discipline - Ewell B. Sorry

District Meetings - Haywood Jalissenup

Accelerated Learning - Rush N. Threwit

School Hall Pass Policies - Frieda Roam

Personnel - Hyram N. Fyrem

Retirement Planning - Ken I. Gonow

Food Services - Eaton B. Urpy

K-12 Class Size - Phil M. Up

Summer Staff Development - Rex R. Fun

Literacy Programming - Rita Lott

Student Attendance - Hugo Taskool

Instructional Budgets - Les Phunding

Peer Coaching - Eileen Onjou

Student Retention Planning - Holden M. Back

Student Promotion Planning - Skip Ahedd

Staff Development Planning - Annie Fadwilldue

Curriculum - Sam Olstuff

School Health Services - Sharon Jerms

Success for All - Howie Gunnadothat

Purchase Order Permissions - U. Ken Knot

Playgrounds - Rick Reyation

Legislative Lobbying - Paul O'ticks

State Audit Bookkeeping - Warren Trubelnow

Disaster Preparedness - Justin Case

District Paperwork - Wayne Heerdeep

PRIVATE EYE

It was another rainy day and I sat in my office cooling my heels. I was feeling sorry for myself - thinking I was nothing but a second rate, second grade snoop. It had been a tough week in the private eye business. My luck had been lousy. Then Jeremy Lessard knocked on my door.

Everyone knew Lessard. He had the worst breath in the second grade. And he was mercilessly teased about it. He also was a tattler. That made him one of the most bullied kids in the state. I opened the office door and he lunged for me and grabbed me by my windpipe.

I don't usually carry a piece, but today I had one, and I pulled it on Lessard. "Here kid," I told him, "Chew on this."

It was spearmint gum and he took it and chewed it. Good thing too, his breath was killing me. "Now back off, kid," I told him, "And tell me what's bugging you."

Lessard had bully trouble. I wished I had a dime for every bully case that had been dropped in my lap. It was always bullies. Sometimes it was dames, but not very often at our age. Anyway, he wanted me to do something about it. He wanted the bully off his back, and bad. I had nothing going at the time, and I felt kind of sorry for the foul-breathed punk. I told him I'd look into the case, but I made no promises.

Lessard's bully was a thug named Monk. Monk was big for his age and probably wore husky sizes. He liked picking on the most pathetic kids. I had seen him in action a few times. It was sickening the way he seemed to get his kicks making them cry. I tailed Monk for a few days to see what I could learn about him. Then I staked out his house. There was some good stuff there, so I decided to dig some more. I phoned his family members and asked lots of personal questions. The dopes fell for my phony "market research" con. They told me more than I ever wanted to know about Monk. And they're probably still waiting for that truckload of prizes I promised them.

Monk was history now. I had the goods on him. And I was itching to get away from this nasty business. I pulled together the dirt I had and I was planning to dump it all in Lessard's lap. Then I realized that it was too hot for Lessard - and that it was dirt that could probably help other kids too.

Instead, I made copies of everything and squirreled away the originals. I pulled together a folder of evidence for Monk. I sent him some photos, some transcripts, and a list of dates. Then I typed a letter to Monk.

"Monk," it read, "We know all about you now. We know the last time you wet your bed. We know the last time you had a bathroom accident. We know the last time you cried. We know every stupid pet name your family has ever called you.
We even know your embarrassing middle name. The next time you bully a kid - any kid - it all comes out. And everyone will know about the real Monk. Do you want that? Think about it Monk. Think about it long and hard."

Well, that was the end of Monk. I haven't heard anything about him since then. I guess he left town. I have seen Lessard a few times, though. I've done jobs on some other bullies for him and his friends. And when word hit the street about my bully work, business really picked up. Every bullied kid on this side of town is banging down my door. I'm rolling in the dough now. But this is dangerous work and I'm watching my back. I have to. Just last week I had a bathroom accident. And I cried about it.

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs




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Week of December 14, 2009

Rex

Dear Mrs. Peterson,

I am writing to request a meeting with you regarding Rex. I realize that Rex is new to our community, and that he has had a difficult time fitting in. I have worked with Rex extensively this year in an effort to improve his social skills and to develop his academic skills, but he continues to have problems in school.

Rex has a difficult time staying in his seat during class. Often he will leave his seat and wander around the classroom without permission. We have found that only constant rewards or constant punishment will keep Rex in his seat.

When Rex gets excited in class, he has a hard time controlling himself. He knocks his class materials all over the floor and he often raises his voice.

Although you have told me that you supervise him completing his homework, he never turns it in. I have no idea what Rex does with his homework.

Every time I give Rex a bathroom pass, he ends up on the playground. He has been assigned detention for this several times.

Lately, a number of other concerns have come to light regarding Rex.

When visitors come to our classroom, Rex jumps on them.

Our music teacher had to have Rex removed from her classroom when his singing became unbearable.

Rex has always chewed on his pencils, but I just found out this week that he has also been chewing on his textbooks and on the other children's gym shoes.

Rex was reported by the custodian for shredding toilet paper and for splashing water out of the toilet bowls in the boys' restroom.

When the bell rings for lunch, Rex disturbs us all by drooling all over his desk.

At recess, Rex keeps stealing all of the balls on the playground.

This week Rex was suspended again from riding the bus. He keeps sticking his head out an open bus window, and that is a serious violation of our bus safety rules.

Finally, it was reported to me today that Rex knocked over a trash container in the cafeteria. When ordered to clean up the mess, Rex instead rolled in it.

This afternoon I finally referred Rex to our school social worker and our school psychologist. I was concerned that Rex might have a learning disability or some kind of emotional disturbance that effects his behavior in school. Rex was taken to the school conference room for the afternoon and the social worker and psychologist conducted extensive interviews and tests with Rex.

You will be relieved to know that the interviews and tests did not identify any learning disabilities, and they did not identify any emotional problems or instabilities.

The interviews and testing did reveal, however, that Rex is a dog. The school social worker thinks Rex is a cocker spaniel. The school psychologist thinks that Rex is more of a springer-spaniel mix. I don't know how I missed it, but after meeting with Rex again, I have to agree that he is indeed a dog. Perhaps the eyeglasses and baseball cap threw me.

I know you don't want to leave Rex alone in your house while you are at work, and I know how much you love your Rex. We are all rather fond of him. I guess we can take some comfort in the fact that, while Rex may be a very bad boy, he really is a very good dog. In any case, we will have to meet soon to discuss an alternative placement for Rex. Please call me at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,

Stephanie Pankpatz
3rd Grade Teacher
Room 103, Valley Ridge Elementary

Top Ten Holiday Gift Certificates for Teachers

10. The "Take an Extra Fifteen Minutes for Lunch" certificate

9. The "Use the Restroom Whenever You Have To" certificate

8. The "Paperwork Pass" certificate

7. The "One Free Peremptory Challenge to a Student on My Class List" certificate

6. The "Take a Free Mental Health Day" certificate

5. The "Unlimited Copy Code" certificate

4. The "One Free Act of Teacher Insubordination" certificate

3. The "One Free Real Cleaning of Your Classroom" certificate

2. The "Get Out of a Meeting Free" certificate

1. The "All Your Students Promise to Behave and Learn A Lot Today" certificate

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs



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Week of December 7, 2009

RECOMMENDED HOLIDAY GIFTS FOR TEACHERS

Bar-code Attendance Wand
Take attendance the easy way. Wave this wand at your students and you get an automatic and printable attendance record. Much like a retail UPC wand, this attendance wand reads the computer bar-code sticker on each student's forehead and enters a record of his or her attendance. Those not recorded are counted as absent. Then, just print the record on your computer printer. This system comes complete with PC and Macintosh software, bar-code stickers, and protective eyewear for students.

Blinkers and Blinders
Previously used only for racehorses, these adjustable blinkers and blinders will fit any student and promise to focus even the most distractible student's attention. Great for tests and lectures. Package includes 15 blinker sets and 15 blinder sets.

Holographic Toon Talk Balloons
This super high tech system will end forever the question, "Who is talking?!" You'll never again have to ask, "Who said that?!" With this system, every time a student speaks, a holographic cartoon image of a "talk balloon," complete with the text of his/her statement, appears above the student's head. This unit features adjustable sensitivity and user settings for the duration of each "talk balloon" image.

The Sleep Detector
This tiny computer alarm system fits any student desk and detects the level of carbon dioxide emissions on the desktop. When the CO2 concentration exceeds the set tolerance level, it sounds an alarm loud enough to awaken almost any head-down sleeping student.

Etch-A-Desk
With the Etch-A-Desk it's okay for students to write on their desks. At the end of the period, they stand and shake their desks, and all those nasty little messages are erased!

The Classroom Porty Potty
Throw away that bathroom pass. Students will never use the Porty Potty, but just having it around will completely eliminate class time bathroom requests.

The Procrastinator's Weekly Planner
This pocket-sized planner will solve your students' procrastination problems. Each week in this planner is missing from two to three days - giving the impression that all deadlines are much closer than they really are. Using this planner, even the worst procrastinator will end up finishing his work early.

The Student Static-izer
Do your students leave a mess at the end of the period? They won't if you have the Student Static-izer. This little generator loads each student with enough static electricity to disable him or her from getting rid of anything. No more flying objects. No more scraps of paper on the floor. You'll be amazed - even their books will stick to them.

The Swiss Army Pencil
For survival in the educational jungle, every teacher needs a Swiss Army Pencil. It features all of the tools you'll ever need - a pencil, a pen, a red marker, a piece of chalk, a pointer, a pair of scissors, a stapler, a calculator, a laser printer, and an overhead projector.

The White Noise Machine
Do you have students who simply cannot be quiet during work time? Well, don't we all? This giant unit can blast your classroom with enough white noise to wash out all other sounds. No one will hear any more of that irritating pencil tapping. No more talk. And no more cheating. Perfect for test days.

The Pencil Eater
Tired of having your lesson interrupted by untimely pencil sharpenings? Then get rid of that classroom sharpener! Replace it with The Pencil Eater! This battery operated grinder, which looks just like a regular pencil sharpener, can devour an entire pencil in three seconds. After four or five pencils, even the most determined student will be done interrupting your lesson to sharpen a pencil.

The Homework Tag System
Now you can have a security system for your classroom. This electronic article surveillance system (EAS) uses tags and detection gates just like those in the stores. Simply attach a tag to every note and piece of work that is supposed to go home with the student. Now the alarm will let you know who is following instructions, and who is not!

The Paper Airplane Passer
Tired of wasting valuable instructional time passing out papers? With the Paper Airplane Passer, you can get those papers out in no time - and the kids will love it! The Paper Airplane Passer can fold and fire an entire ream of paper in only two minutes. Simply load your papers, aim and fire. Protective goggles for students included.

StinkAway
Does your classroom stink after a few hours? Do visitors to your classroom turn green when they walk in the door? If so, it's time to clear the air with StinkAway. With this large, pressurized, fire extinguisher-sized can you'll be able to fog away those classroom smells in seconds. And StinkAway comes in a variety of fresh fragrances. Chase that stink away with StinkAway!

StupidPencils
Next time a student asks to borrow a pencil, save your money and your patience by giving them one of these inexpensive golf pencils. They cost only pennies a piece and are embossed with the words "Stupid Pencil." So when a student says, "Hey this stupid little pencil doesn't even have an eraser!" "That's right," you'll say, "It's a StupidPencil!"

The Teacher's Foot Massage
On your feet all day? Now you can nurse your poor aching feet while you teach. These oversized slippers are actually foot-sized whirlpools that you can wear in the classroom. Warm swirling water bathes those aches away. Each comes with a 50-foot long cord.

Personal Sneeze Shield
Don't miss another day of school because of a cold or flu virus you caught from one of your students. Strap on your Personal Sneeze Shield and be healthy! This clear plastic shield is adjustable and is just dressy enough for school.

Canned Class Sound Machine
Why do all of those weak comedies on television succeed? Canned laughter. It convinces viewers that the program is funnier than it really is. Even a network-commissioned joint study found that, without the canned laughter, 3 out of 5 Americans couldn't recognize a good joke. No wonder your students don't appreciate your teaching. Now you can apply the wonderful world of canned laughter technology in your classroom! With the Canned Class Sound Machine, all you have to do is push a button to broadcast the kind of response your students should be giving you. The Canned Class Sound Machine is loud enough to overwhelm any other classroom sounds and includes the following sounds:

Polite Applause

Raucous Applause

Cheering and Clapping

Quiet Laughter

Loud Sustained Laughter

"Woo-hoo!"

"Wow! What a lesson!"

"More! More! Teach us more!"

"Test! Test! Test us now!"

"You are the Wind Beneath Our Wings!"

HOW TO ENTERTAIN LIKE A TEACHER THIS HOLIDAY SEASON

- Plan a simple craft activity that guests can participate in as they enter your house. This will keep everyone busy and well-behaved while you wait for the last of your guests to arrive.

- Draw up a seating chart for every room of your house so that you can quickly take attendance.

- Pass out a list of table manners and expectations before your serve dinner. And don't just assume that your expectations will be followed by your guests. You know that proper behavior must be modeled and practiced to be learned. You'd better start this lesson about two hours before dinner.

- If you notice someone behaving particularly well, stop for a moment and make a positive phone call home. Everyone likes to hear good news, even if it is just a message left on the machine.

- Create a rubric for the food served. This is especially important if guests are bringing their own dish to share. Have guests use the rubric to self-assess their own food before they serve it anyone else.

- Print a number of pre-signed bathroom passes ahead of time to avoid forcing guests to wait as you complete their bathroom passes.

- Plan a few sponge activities to keep the guests actively involved as you transition from dinner to other activities.

- If any of your holiday guests get loud and obnoxious, refer them to your principal's house.

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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Week of November 30, 2009

THAT WORD

There it was, that word again. I had asked my students to fill out midterm evaluations of the course and had asked them for their reactions to the different parts of the course. The feedback from the students is especially useful in helping me to understand the student experience and whether or not the course has been a success for them. Shawn had carefully filled out his form and had proudly presented it to me.

"What is your reaction to the cooperative learning part of the course?" the question had asked.

"It is really bad," he had written, but not in those words. Instead, he had used that one verb that students use more and more to describe something they find distasteful, unfortunate, or undesirable.

"What is your reaction to the homework project part of the course?" the next question had asked.

"It is even worse," he had written, but - again - not in those words. Shawn's answers really irritated me. What little tolerance I once had possessed for that verb had completely evaporated. It was then that I decided that it was time to do something about that kind of language in school.

"Look," I told the entire class the next day, "the last thing I want to do is limit the free expression of your true feelings. But I want to give you a chance to express yourselves in more socially acceptable and appropriate ways. I know that those words are used regularly on television and in the movies. But, while you are in school, you must have a higher sensitivity to what is proper expression and what is not."

With the students' undivided attention, I wrote on the board all of the inappropriate expressions I had heard this year. Then I asked the students to brainstorm more acceptable and appropriate expressions to replace the others. They yelled out ideas with great enthusiasm, and soon a long list of expressions covered the boards on three sides of the classroom.

"Look," I said. "It's obvious there is no shortage of alternatives. I would like each of you, for the rest of the term, to try every day to replace otherwise inappropriate expressions with more appropriate ones."

And they did try. When Stacy Nguyen accidentally destroyed her map project, she yelled at the top of her lungs, "Oh, my goodness! I am so disappointed! How foolish of me!"

When I informed Tom Klametz that he would have to stay after school for detention, he exclaimed, "Holy, holy smokes! You have to be kidding! What a big, rotten bunch of baloney this is!"

After being caught copying another student's paper and receiving a failing grade on a quiz, Sheldon Finkle bit his lip and mumbled, "How unfortunate. How terribly, terribly unfortunate."

When working in a group not of her own choosing, Amy Hellbein proclaimed to the world, " I rue this activity!"

Countless other times I heard disappointment, pain, and frustration expressed as "Drat," "Shucks," and, "Oh, my stars!"

It was fun for a while, but the students eventually seemed to lose all interest in reforming their language. I was proud of the efforts I had made, but at the same time, I felt discouraged. Who was I to think I could compete with television, the movies, and the popular culture? It seemed that my efforts had failed.

At the end of the term I had the students again complete evaluations of the course. As before, Shawn carefully filled out his form and proudly presented it to me.

"The cooperative learning part of the course pulls about 2000 cubic feet per minute," he wrote, "But the homework part of the course easily pulls well in excess of 25,000 cubic feet per minute."

Sometimes you just have to take your victories where you find them.

NEW EUPHEMISMS FOR BAD STUFF AT SCHOOL

Time-out - "An Isolated Reflection Interval"

Detention - "Post-instructional Behavioral Adjustment Period"

Course Failure - "Unrequested Course Re-registration"

Incomplete Course Grade - "An Unrequited Educational Encounter"

Suspension - "Mandatory Discontinued Attendance"

In-School Suspension - "Mandatory Academically Unassigned Attendance"

Absence - "A Non-school Learning Experience"

Truancy - "An Undocumented Non-school Learning Experience"

Seating Assignment Change - "An Intraclassroom Transfer"

Sent to the Principal - "Compulsory Administrative Consultation"

Retention - "Lateral Academic Advancement"

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs


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Week of November 23, 2009

TEACHER AFFIRMATIONS

Affirmations can change the way your subconscious mind works. Even when you're feeling hopeless, words can begin the healing. Repeat an affirmation to crowd out all the negative thoughts and fill your mind with only positive thoughts. It's a way to reprogram your mind! Try these:

I am in control of this classroom.
I am in control of this classroom.
I am in control of this classroom ...

This lesson will go just the way I planned it.
This lesson will go just the way I planned it.
This lesson will go just the way I planned it ...

This school lunch is much better than the meals I prepare at home.
This school lunch is much better than the meals I prepare at home.
This school lunch is much better than the meals I prepare at home ...

I have more patience than he/she has misbehaviors.
I have more patience than he/she has misbehaviors.
I have more patience than he/she has misbehaviors ...

These glue and marker stains add style to my wardrobe.
These glue and marker stains add style to my wardrobe.
These glue and marker stains add style to my wardrobe ...

I like doing schoolwork at home.
I like doing schoolwork at home.
I like doing schoolwork at home ...

The administrators are my allies.
The administrators are my allies.
The administrators are my allies ...

I love this job so much that I would do it for free
(and I practically do).
I love this job so much that I would do it for free
(and I practically do).
I love this job so much that I would do it for free
(and I practically do) ...

TOP TEN SIGNS A STUDENT IS NOT LEARNING TODAY

10. He's been to the bathroom, the school office, the nurse's office, and to his locker, but he's still asking if he can use the hall pass.

9. Another one of his crumpled notes to a friend just bounced off your desk.

8. He brought to class AC adapters and extension cords for all of his electronic devices.

7. He didn't have a pencil, so you gave him one, then he lost it. You gave him another one, and he lost it. Then you gave him another one, and he lost it.

6. He's admiring each new addition to the pencils stuck in the classroom ceiling tile.

5. He asked if he could open a window, and when you said he could, he opened it and climbed out.

4. In his desk are wrappers from $14.00 worth of candy and three empty soda cans.

3. He complains that he can't focus on his work with all the talking. But he's the only one talking. He's been talking about his own talking for twenty minutes now.

2. Fifteen minutes into work time, he announces that he doesn't have a sheet a paper. Ten minutes later, he announces he doesn't have a textbook. And just before the bell rings, he asks what he's supposed to be doing.

1. For today's reading, you asked him to cover Chapter 6. But he thought you said "color."

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs



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Week of November 16, 2009

COMMITTEE AVOIDANCE

Thirteen tactics to use in committee meetings to avoid being asked to join any other committees at your school.

13. Be late for every meeting and insist that the group review what you missed. Then leave before the meeting ends.

12. When it's your turn to bring the donuts, bring bran muffins instead.

11. Keep inviting other "stake-holders" to "grow the committee."

10. Say, "Well, that's a stupid idea," after each member's brainstorming contribution.

9. Insist that each meeting start with a prayer to the state legislature for more funding.

8. When it's your turn to write up the minutes, invent embarrassing quotes for all of the other committee members.

7. Talk loud and fast. Interrupt. Cut people off. Throw things.

6. Spill your coffee on at least one other member at each meeting.

5. Embarrass non-attentive members by saying to them, "Hello? Anybody home? Anybody home? Helloooo?"

4. Bathe infrequently.

3. Keep reminding everyone of the school's mission statement. Ask all of the members to recite it aloud with you.

2. Sarcastically praise every member's contributions to the discussion by saying things like, "Oh thank you Phil. That was soooo brilliant. My heart is going all pitter-pat. Thank you so much for sharing that with us."

1. Insist on more frequent and longer meetings.

THE DEVIL'S ADVOCATES

Today at our faculty meeting the administrative team presented their proposal for faculty meeting norms. They do this every year, and we don't really need an official set of norms for our behavior, but they seem to think it is necessary and they spend hours drafting a set of proposed norms. This time the norms they suggested were just so ridiculous that I couldn't take it. I had to raise my hand and say, "I'd like to play the devil's advocate if I may…"

But I was interrupted by Mary Gebstach, who said, "Hey, I wanted to play the devil's advocate on this one."

Then Harry Persham jumped in, "Mary, you got to play the devil's advocate on the last one. It's my turn to play."

And then consensus-seeker Phyllis Peachmont broke in. "I would like to play the devil's advocate as well. Look at this stupid thing. This is such an easy one. I think a lot of people would like a chance to play. Who else is interested in playing devil's advocate with regard to these proposed meeting norms? Perhaps we can all play…"

Well, Phyllis should have never said that, because then the place went nuts. Everyone seemed to be talking all at once. Everyone wanted a chance to play the devil's advocate and everyone wanted to go first. The administrators who had proposed the norms just stood in the front of the room with their mouths wide open.

Until that meeting, I never knew that the devil had so many advocates. Maybe it was because it was a faculty meeting. Every time I've been to one of these meetings I've had the distinct impression that I was in a place not far from the devil's home office.

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs






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Week of November 9, 2009

THE LEAST POPULAR COURSES IN THE HIGH SCHOOL REGISTRATION GUIDE

- Advanced Placement Study Hall

- Accelerated Waiting

- Honors Detention

- Decelerated Movement and Dance

- Theoretical Foods

- Quantum Physical Education

- Introduction to Basic Fundamentals

- Improvisational Geometry

- Textbooks, Worksheets, and Tests

- The Phonics of Freshwater Biology

- Exploring Literature through Chemistry

- Spanish German

- Unapplied Algebra

- The Chemistry of Grammar

- Wildlife Humanities

- Independent Study Cooperative Learning

- Accelerated Calculus for Slow Learners

- Advanced Honors

- Unexamined Life Skills

- Learner-Focused-Issue-Centered-Results-Oriented-Interdisciplinary Word-Finds and Crosswords.

LABELS FOR TEACHERS

Many students with special needs are identified with acronyms. Now, the United States Department of Education is considering a new set of identifying acronyms for teachers with special needs. Here's some samples:

PTSS - Pre-Traumatic Stress Syndrome

CDD - Coffee & Donut Dependent

ASD - Attention Surplus Disorder

PNP - Paperwork Neglect Pattern

CDD - Curriculum Disorder Disorder

EMCA - Early Morning Cheerfulness Anomaly

CBDD - Copy Budget Deficit Disorder

IDS - Income Deficiency Syndrome

CAD - Committee Addiction Disorder

PGPP - Project Grading Procrastination Pattern

CFO - Clipping and Filing Obsession

LDSGC - Lunchroom Duty Survivor Guilt Complex

SEAD - Sunday Evening Affective Disorder

MMDP - Monday Morning Denial Pattern

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs


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Week of November 2, 2009

ALICE

I was teaching one day,
In the most regular way,
When Tommy decided
He had something to say.

He stopped my lesson.
He raised his right hand.
"Why must we learn
All of this stuff you have planned?"

"And it is just stuff.
A trivial quest.
Just stuff to remember
'Til we take the test."

"When is the fun part,
When learning is play?
Learning can be fun.
Can we have some today?"

"Look Tommy," I said,
"This will help you some day.
So learn it you should
In the regular way."

But Tommy resisted.
He thought, but did not say,
That learning's important
But he'd much rather play.

And play, I decided, is just
What we'd do.
We'd play with our learning,
And I'd have fun too.

We played games with the people,
The dates, and the stories.
We studied our past
In all of its glories.

We had fun and we laughed.
We had a good time.
But Alice, a student,
Thought we'd committed a crime.

"This is not right,"
And she said it with malice.
"I do not like fun,"
Said our little Alice.

"We should read and write.
And do charting and graphing.
This is no place
For loud fun and laughing."

"My mother will not like this.
She's on the school board.
My mother, to be honest,
Will be shocked - she'll be floored."

"I'll call them, the board,
And the whole district mob.
I'll call them and tell them,
And you'll lose your job."

"But, Alice," I said,
"You must learn how to laugh.
And we'll be your helpers -
Your laugh-learning staff."

So we taught her some games
And some jokes and some riddles.
We all laughed so hard,
We had aches in our middles.

And Alice, she laughed.
And she laughed and she giggled.
She fell out of her seat,
On the floor, and she wiggled.

Our serious Alice,
Who never laughed before,
She couldn't stop laughing.
She was dragged out the door.

We took her to the office
We begged and we pleaded,
"Please help us with Alice.
We've over-succeeded."

But Alice could never
Stop laughing at all.
She laughed all of winter,
Spring, summer and fall.

She got in such trouble,
They gave her detention.
She couldn't stop laughing.
They threatened retention.

Then Alice's mother
Took her out of the schools.
To keep her away
From such fun-silly fools.

Now, some kids miss school
From strep and from staph.
But Alice, she stays home
Because of her laugh.

THE MEETING

Today we had our biweekly faculty meeting and it was another winner. The first half of the meeting was concerned with deciding how we would decide issues during the meeting. After about thirty minutes there was a motion made by someone that went something like this: "How many are in favor of formulating a motion upon which we will vote to determine whether or not we will vote to accept or reject subsequent motions?" After that, my mind kind of wandered for a while.

When I mentally returned to the meeting, I noticed that teachers were taking turns speaking. Each was making exactly the same point as the previous speakers, only in slightly different words. The faculty carried on this kind of paraparaparaparaparaphrasing for at least 20 minutes before they rolled and banked like a flock of birds in a different direction and onto a different topic.

I was getting a meeting headache. I would need two from the circulating bottle of aspirin when it reached me. We moved through the agenda at a glacial pace. I thought I felt myself rapidly aging, but I was mistaken. This was one of those meetings that somehow managed to slow the passage of time. With my head back, and my mouth open, I dozed off.

I woke up just in time. Joe Flogram had offered a springboard for conversation, and Sharon Plinka had piggybacked on Joe's springboard. I could feel the tension in the room. The stage was set. It was Shirley Colton who spoke next.

"I would like to dovetail on Sarah's piggyback to Joe's springboard..." she said.

The place went nuts. Coffee and cookies flew in the air. Shirley had hit the trifecta. And I was told later, after the meeting had broken up, that Shirley's springboard-piggyback-dovetail trifecta was the first of it's kind in over seven years of faculty meeting nonsense-talk.

Copyright cc 2009 by John P. Wood for Learning Laffs

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