This Week's Education Humor

On Vacation

2011-06-21T14:56:00.001-05:00

Learning Laffs is now on summer vacation.

Do you miss it? Leave a comment!

John

Week of June 13, 2011

2011-06-12T08:36:00.001-05:00

ADJUSTING TO SUMMER: THINGS YOU'LL MISS DURING SUMMER VACATION

- Bells that tell you when to use the restroom and when to eat

- Lunch food that comes in patties, rounds, triangles, squares, sticks, slices, and wedges

- The daily chats with colleagues gathered around the warm glow of the one functioning copy machine

- Those restful afternoon meeting naps

- Paperwork to keep you from accomplishing anything important

- Comp time

- Free cryptic handwriting puzzles from your students

- Seating charts that save you the trouble of actually having to know people's names

- Those engrossing philosophical discussions about the use of the bathroom pass

- The dangerous thrill you savor when you skip an important meeting

- The positive effect of chalk dust on your oily complexion

- Seeing a beautiful sunrise through your classroom window

- Seeing a beautiful sunset behind the mountains of papers you have to grade

TOUCHPADS

I have five students in one of my classes who have some behavior issues, so it is my responsibility to report on each child on these special forms I've been given. I am to report on the percentage of time in a class period that each of these students behaves appropriately and inappropriately. I have to give a definitive percentage for "time on task," "hands and feet to self," "in his/her seat," "verbally respectful," and "working independently."

Now I am serious about filling out these forms accurately. I can't just estimate a percentage of time. If I did, what would be the value of my reports? I needed to collect data as accurately as possible. So, I created a system.

I purchased touchpads that I can connect to my computer. Each time I hit the touchpad it counts as one second of inappropriate behavior. For each child I have five touchpads, so there's a total of twenty five touchpads in my classroom. At the end of each period, I would total the seconds that the child was inappropriate and divide by the total number of seconds in the period to get the percentage of class time that each student was involved in each specific misbehavior. While this did make my observations more of an exact science, it truly was a challenge.

When I teach, I move about the classroom, so I placed the touchpads all over the room. It took me a few weeks to remember which pad was for which child and which misbehavior, but eventually I got it down. I had touchpads on the floor, on my desk and file cabinet, on tables, and even mounted on the walls. I spent quite a bit of time rushing about the room to hit the proper touch pad, but the exercise was good for me - I lost five pounds and my overall cholesterol dropped 30 points.

Everything was going fine until yesterday. That's when the whole system fell apart. I would rush to one side of the room to log Jeremy's kicking of Grace's chair and then I'd sprint to the other side of the room to log that Jason was out of his seat, and then while I was registering the time he was out of his seat, Lorna would say something verbally disrespectful and I'd have to try to do two touchpads at the same time. That Jason can really wander, and that Lorna can really be longwinded in her verbal disrespect. By the time Jason sat down, and Lorna shut down, I was busy logging the amount of time Chris was sleeping and Marybeth was off-task writing a note to a friend. Then Jason got out of his seat again because Lorna was cussing at him. Then Sam started the off-task behavior of folding other students' papers into airplanes and tossing them across the room. I was dashing from one touchpad to another in an effort to accurately log the mayhem while I redirected the students, explained the weaknesses of the Articles of Confederation, and signed a couple hall passes.

Then someone from the main office made an announcement over the loudspeaker and the rest of my students got off-task and I had to try to settle everyone down while at the same time logging the misbehaviors of the select five by running from station to station hitting touchpads. One of the touchpads is mounted over the classroom door and as I jumped to hit it, I slipped, and instead I slid out the door and into the hall. When I returned, Lorna was deep into a rant of verbal disrespect and Jason, Chris, Marybeth, and Sam were busy running from touchpad to touchpad, logging each other's inappropriate behaviors.

"My data!!" I screamed, and then, "Noooooooo!!" and everyone stopped.

Concerned for my sanity, they all sat down and were quiet. I took a deep breath, and as calmly as possible, asked the students why they were messing with the touchpads. They responded honestly and appropriately. They told me that they thought the touchpads were fun, and that, in fact, they had been hitting the touchpads and logging misbehaviors for weeks. They would wait until I was across the room, or my back was turned, or I was talking to someone else, and they would hit a touchpad. Apparently they had been inaccurately inflating my data for weeks. I was shocked and disappointed. I didn't know what to do. But then it hit me, and then I was inspired.

Now, each of my five students has their own five touchpads and they log their own misbehaviors. They like having the touchpads. Each has three on the desk and one for each foot on the floor. And the students do a better job of keeping track of their own misbehaviors than I ever could have. Jason never leaves his seat any more and Lorna has significantly cut down on her longwinded disrespect since her carpal tunnel acted up. And because logging their own misbehaviors is an assigned activity, they are rarely off-task in class anymore. I couldn't be happier. Well, I guess I could be a little happier. I gained back those five pounds I had lost.

Week of June 6, 2011

2011-06-06T06:28:00.009-05:00

COMPLAINTS

I've been getting complaints lately about my teaching but there really haven't been more than ten or twelve complaints and I'm sure other teachers get more complaints than that and even I have had more complaints in the past like the time I had my students do that 20-page research paper and there were a lot of complaints although most of them were from Missy Kempner but she always complained a lot and she could really go on and on about something and I don't know what ever became of her but she did graduate although she probably complained about it at the time but all of these new complaints have to do with my lectures and I don't really lecture that much maybe two or three class periods a week and that's assuming that we have a five-day week and a lot of our weeks are not quite five days because of workshops and holidays and conference days and all so most of the complaints about my lectures are that they are hard to follow and I'm not sure what that means because It seems to me if you want to follow something you just stay with it and follow it but some kids say that they can't and I think that they just don't focus on what I'm saying because they let their minds wander onto other things like sports and boyfriends and girlfriends and who is going with whom and all of that stuff and sometimes they even sleep in class during my lectures but that's probably because they work too much but they always tell me that they have to work to pay for their cars and that they have to have their cars to get to work and most of my lectures are really fascinating because I provide a lot of interesting asides designed to hold the students' attention because I know how dry the real lecture material is and I probably spend more time preparing the interesting asides than I do the real lecture material although I think that the real material is pretty interesting on its own but that might be because I love that stuff and that's why I wanted to be a teacher although there were a lot of other careers that I considered but then I made my choice and now I'm a teacher and my students don't like my lectures and I'm starting to wonder if I really made the right choice because it's hard to do something when it's not appreciated so I think I should probably do something to improve my lectures so that I get less complaints and I can stop questioning my career choice so I talked to the principal and he told me to be quiet for a minute so he could a word in edgewise and then he told me that I have to stop babbling and rambling and just get to the point of what I'm trying to say but I think he was just in a really bad mood that day because of all the dissension among the staff but I won't go into that right now because I could go on about that forever so I talked to some other teachers about the problem and some of them told me that I talk way too much and some of them just walked away from me but I think a couple of the them were actually running so now I guess I'll just have to solve the problem on my own so I'm going to spend the whole weekend improving my lectures but probably not the whole weekend because there are some other things I need to do and then I have to sleep and eat and all of that too so I think I'll improve my lectures by cramming in a lot more asides and then delivering them much faster and without pausing because if I don't pause then I probably won't lose the students because I'll just be going so fast they won't have time to let their minds wander onto sports and boyfriends and girlfriends and who is going with whom and so that's my plan and I'll just have to try it and see if it works and if it doesn't work then I'll just get more complaints but even if I do it won't be that bad because Missy Kempner has graduated and she was a world champion complainer and even though I don't know what became of her after she graduated I'm sure she's out there somewhere right now complaining and going on and on about something.

ADJUSTING TO SUMMER: THINGS YOU'LL MISS DURING SUMMER VACATION

- Bells that tell you when to use the restroom and when to eat

- Lunch food that comes in patties, rounds, triangles, squares, sticks, slices, and wedges

- The daily chats with colleagues gathered around the warm glow of the one functioning copy machine

- Those restful afternoon meeting naps

- Paperwork to keep you from accomplishing anything important

- Comp time

- Free cryptic handwriting puzzles from your students

- Seating charts that save you the trouble of actually having to know people's names

- Those engrossing philosophical discussions about the use of the bathroom pass

- The dangerous thrill you savor when you skip an important meeting

- The positive effect of chalk dust on your oily complexion

- Seeing a beautiful sunrise through your classroom window

- Seeing a beautiful sunset behind the mountains of papers you have to grade

Week of May 30, 2011

2011-05-30T19:53:00.009-05:00

LATE

I was late again. This moving from classroom to classroom each period is hard. Every passing period I have to lug all of my stuff from room to room. Then I forget half of my stuff and I have to go back to get it. And then I'm late for my next class. This time I was pretty sure I had all of my stuff as I sprinted for my second period class. I noticed that when I entered the classroom the students looked at me like I was a stranger. Well, they seemed strange to me too. It had been a long weekend. But I hadn't forgotten who they were - I just didn't yet know who they were. We were only two weeks into the quarter, and I had over thirty students in each class. Eventually, I reassured myself, we would get to know each other.

Since I was late, I put off taking attendance. I would have to do it later while the students worked. I asked them to take out their history books and they gave me that blank stare. Only one student had his history book with him. For the next ten minutes I gave them the lecture about the importance of coming to class prepared to learn. Although many didn't seem to pay particularly close attention to my words, they were all quiet and respectful. This lecture was one of the classics. Every teacher has a rendition. All of the students had heard it before, and many had probably already heard it several times this quarter.

I was interrupted when a confused woman appeared at the door. She asked if I needed a substitute teacher for this period. I assured her that I was indeed present and that I would most definitely not be needing a substitute. Off she went, trotting down the hall back to the office. I felt sorry for her, but it was kind of funny. Imagine, showing up at the wrong classroom! She really looked lost, the poor dear.

Now it was time to begin the work for the day. Since the students did not have their books, they couldn't read the chapter on the United States Constitution. Instead, I would have to lecture. I spent twenty minutes outlining the weaknesses of the United States' central government in its first form. The students took notes and asked good questions. Then I split them up into groups and instructed them to brainstorm ideas to "fix" the problems of the Articles of Confederation. For some reason they seemed hesitant to get started. They shuffled their papers and talked to each other in hushed tones. What was the problem? Had they never worked in groups before? Finally, one brave young lady stepped forward and asked, "Why do we have to learn this history stuff anyway?"

There it was - the most famous question in all of historical inquiry. Students ask it every quarter. Some ask it every day. I was prepared.

"How do we make sense of the present?" I asked.

"By asking about the past," someone answered.

"How do we make sense of the future - how do we know what is possible or probable?"

"By looking at the past," another student offered.

"And how do we know who we really are?

Silence. I saved them by answering, "We look at where we've come from and we look at what we've been through."

"And where did you come from?" a student asked.

"From my first period sociology class," I chuckled.

"And where were you going when you left there?" she continued.

"To my second period history class," I answered.

"Then what are you doing in our geometry class?" she demanded.

"What?" My eyes shot around the room. I studied the attendance sheets. I opened the classroom door and read the room number. Then I grabbed half of my stuff and ran down the hall in search of that poor, confused substitute teacher.

TOP TWELVE SIGNS A STUDENT HAS ALREADY CHECKED OUT FOR THE YEAR

- Her backpack no longer contains school supplies - now it's just towels and sunscreen.

- He's replaced his desk with a lawn chair.

- She puts on her sunglasses every time you turn on the data projector.

- His George Foreman grill keeps setting off the sprinkler system.

- When you pass out an assignment she says, "I'll get right on this. Not!"

- He uses his little hand-held battery-powered fan to shred all your handouts.

- She's started sleeping until noon, even though she's in school by 8:30.

- He argues that he's doing his "summer reading" now and can't be bothered with any more textbooks.

- She does all her work on Frisbees and flings them at you.

- He now carries his school supplies in his fishing tackle box.

- From the back of the classroom, she keeps giving you water skiing signs.

- Halfway through each period, he gets up, opens the classroom window, and climbs out.

Week of May 23, 2011

2011-05-22T10:18:00.009-05:00

FARNBOURG

For a long time my principal, Mr. Farnbourg, was a great source of frustration to me. Farnbourg is responsible for supervising me and for providing feedback on my teaching and my work with my colleagues. But Farnbourg would only visit my classroom once a year, and then would only tell me in vague terms that I still had a lot to learn about teaching. Farnbourg had never once said anything positive to me about my teaching or about any of my other professional efforts. At least that's the way it was until last winter.

I was in the school office one morning, and as I was looking through my mail, my friend Jim entered the office. Jim is a math teacher who happened to have the same prep hour as me, and as a result, got to listen to all of my griping and complaining. Jim was a good listener. Talking to him always made me feel better. I said, without looking up from my mail, "Hey, thanks a lot for your kind words yesterday. I really appreciated your - " When I looked up, Principal Farnbourg was standing right in front of me. I didn't know where Jim had disappeared to, but Farnbourg was convinced I was talking to him. He patted my left shoulder, "Don't mention it, Steve. Any time."

As Farnbourg turned and walked back to his office, Jim reappeared from the back room with a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "Now, Steve, what were you saying?"

Sometime in the next forty minutes, as I unloaded all of my frustration on Jim, it occurred to me that Farnbourg actually thought that he had shared kind words with me. He actually thought that he had helped me. That made me kind of sick, but it also gave me an idea. I wrote a brief note to Farnbourg thanking him for his feedback on my teaching and thanking him for his interest in my continuing professional growth and I put the note in his mailbox. But that was just the beginning.

Almost every day after that I would leave him a note or I would make a passing remark to him like, "Thanks for your advice. It really did the trick." Or, "Thanks for being there for me. It means a lot." I told him, "I really appreciate your positive feedback. It really energizes me to do a better job." I even told him one morning, "I don't know where I'd be without you. Thanks for saving my career."

At first, Farnbourg took my appreciation with some confusion. But he always smiled and mumbled something humble. But as my comments and notes began to pile up, Farnbourg became convinced that he really had done some wonderful things to make my life worth living. Even as my appreciative comments became more and more outrageous, he found them more and more acceptable and believable. He would call out to me cheerfully as we passed in the hall. He started asking for my opinions in faculty and committee meetings. And he started paying unscheduled weekly visits to my class. He would sit there, smiling and observing, and then slip out the door after having left on my desk a warm and glowing assessment of my teaching and my lesson. And it wasn't just me. He started treating everyone this way. And then he started receiving real notes of appreciation. As Farnbourg continued making efforts, and the appreciation began to snowball, we all watched him become the kind of principal for which we had all longed.

I fear, though, that I may have created a monster. No, it's not Farnbourg. We all like him the new way. We hope he never changes back. I am the monster. I've realized the true power of false praise. I now find myself lying appreciatively to everyone. I've showered false praise on my students, my colleagues, the copy room lady, the custodian, my wife, my children, my car mechanic, my dentist, and my plumber. Last month I even told the kid who delivers my pizza that his prompt and courteous service had qualified him for the Nobel Pizza Prize and that I had initiated a worldwide letter-writing campaign on his behalf. Really. It's shameful. But, you know, my pizza service has never been better.

NEW MAGAZINES FOR STUDENTS

Newsweak
The current events magazine for students who don't know Baghdad from Bangkok.

Gulf Digest
The magazine for teens interested in the growing divide between their tastes and the tastes of their parents.

Pretty Good Housekeeping
The magazine for the student who needs affirmation that he's not as sloppy as his parents say he is.

Unpopular Mechanics
The magazine that confirms a student's lack of interest in the physical sciences.

Wired!
Not a magazine about computers, but a teen magazine for students who do Twix and Mountain Dew for breakfast.

Forbs
The car magazine for dyslexic students who like the Mustang, the Taurus, and similar vehicles.

Eleventeen
The teen magazine for students with math issues.

Bone Appetit
The magazine of tactics for getting your dog to eat your homework.

Esquare
The magazine that exposes the poor fashion choices of teachers.

Vogre
Fashion tips for students who are growing much faster than their classmates.

Better Homies and Gardens
The magazine about how to make better friends and grow more beautiful backyard gardens.

Reader's Digressed
Thousands of topics through which to let your mind wander as you do your assigned reading in class.

Sports Illiterated
The magazine for students who neglect their reading and learning for their dream of a career as a professional athlete.

TV Guidance
The magazine that offers advice to teens based on the lives of fictional teen characters on television.

Week of May 16, 2011

2011-05-15T07:43:00.000-05:00

THE WORKSHOP

Yesterday after school I attended a school-sponsored workshop. The workshop was supposed to be for continuing education, and while it did seem to continue forever, there was little education going on.

I felt sorry for the woman leading the workshop. It was her misfortune to have traveled many miles to present familiar teaching and learning methods with which we had already worked many long hours over the years to improve. As soon as she started speaking into her microphone, you could see 65 teachers scrambling for their television remotes in an effort to change the channel. We were trapped. And we sat there, buffeted by the force of her voice broadcast at full volume over a sound system seemingly designed for a fast food drive-up window.

She liked to ask "how many people" this and "how many people" that. She would ask, "How many people have ever read a book?" And we would all raise our hands and she would say something about books. A few sentences later, she would ask, "How many people have ever worked in a group?" And we would all raise our hands and she would say something about working in groups. She got pretty good participation for her first ten to twelve "how many" questions and then our arms cramped up and we got tired of it. I think she started to get the message when she asked, "How many like these 'how many' questions?" and only Alice Peterson raised her hand.

By then, teachers had begun to tune out. It was the end of the day. We were tired, and there was nothing new to learn. It became a matter of enduring for four hours. Unfortunately, many automatically shifted into their worst "bored student behavior." In front of me I could see small groups of teachers laughing and talking with each other, others were quietly reading their newspapers, and a few were even doing the newspaper crossword puzzle. A scan to my right revealed teachers grading papers, balancing checkbooks, and drawing cartoons. To my left I could see teachers leaving to go to the restroom, and others leaving to wander in the halls. Behind me, Clara Bronton was knitting, Betty Norland was working on a macramé project, Bill Melman was building birdhouses, and Curt Thorton had fired up his diesel wood chipper and was grinding tables and chairs into drifts of wood chips.

Jerry Evans was in charge of videotaping the entire workshop. Jerry, however, fell asleep at the tripod after the first hour. From then on - and for the next three hours - the video camera was focused on the bald spot on the back of Cliff Cramer's head.

The most exciting part of the workshop came during a break when someone posted the key to the newspaper crossword on the overhead projector. A near fistfight ensued about the correct answer for Twenty-two Across.

When our leader finally finished up, we gave her a standing ovation. Actually, it was more of a walking and running ovation. Fortunately, no one was injured in the crush of teachers turning in their evaluations and bolting for the doors. We had endured four long hours of boredom, and our relief that it was finally over was reflected in our overly generous evaluations. Unfortunately, because of the high ratings she received, our staff development director has signed a yearlong contract with her for more sessions. I'm already working on an excuse to get out of the next workshop. I just hope that if I miss it, they don't make me watch the videotape.

Top Ten Statements Never Made by a Retiring Teacher

10. "I'm going to miss the school lunches."

9. "I'm worried sick about what retirement will do to my professional development."

8. "I wish we hadn't wasted so much time on recess."

7. "My life will be so empty without regular state test practices."

6. "I'm afraid I won't feel important unless I'm supervising passing time and guarding the lunch room."

5. "I'd kill for another ten years of paperwork."

4. "They always paid me too much."

3. "I'm concerned about what rest, relaxation, and free time will do to my mental health."

2. "I will miss the helpful feedback from angry parents."

1. "I wish I had attended more meetings."

Week of May 9, 2011

2011-05-08T19:35:00.009-05:00

SCISSORS

Dear Tape Recorder Diary:

My parents just got back from conferences with my kindergarten teacher. There was bad news. My teacher reported that I have very little dexterity with scissors, markers, and crayons. And it's all my parents' fault.

I used to be pretty good with scissors. I could cut paper, cardboard, electrical cords, upholstery, my sister's hair, and even part of the dog. Then my parents got involved. First they said not to run with scissors, then they yelled at me when they saw me walking with scissors, and then they even get mad when they caught me sitting quietly with scissors. Eventually, they locked up all of the scissors.

I used to be pretty good with markers and crayons too. I could draw almost anything on any surface. I did a beautiful landscape on the dining room wall. I improved the entire color scheme of the living room, and I added surprise happy faces to all of those boring work papers on my daddy's desk. My best work was probably when I added my own likeness to all of the photos in the album that were from before I was born. I had an emerging surreal impressionist style. Then they took all the markers and crayons away from me too.

I've been educationally stunted. I'm ruined. What will become of me? How will I ever learn to write and to express myself? I won't. It will be awful. "She has great ideas," they'll say, "but they don't look good on paper." And then there's the scissors thing. It seems insignificant now, but someday it will come back to haunt me "Sure, she's brilliant, top of her class," they'll say. "We really could hire her, but my goodness, have you seen how she works with scissors?"

Thanks to my parents, I'll probably end up living my entire adult life a slave to my job - just so I can afford to hire writers and cutters. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't take it all that hard. At least they haven't yet found the library books I've destroyed.

Enough Said: Ten Big Mistakes You Made this Year

10. Not being specific about what things are and are not appropriate for show-and-tell

9. Supervising the lunch room without your rain poncho

8. Letting the students choose their own "cooperative" groups

7. Eating that expired cup of yogurt you found in your bottom desk drawer

6. Taking your kids out for recess on a sticky snow day

5. Promising to answer any student question, no matter how personal it may be

4. Assigning elaborate projects that you had to grade over spring break

3. Assessing your students' spelling through interpretive dance

2. Not getting your retirement investment portfolio to make AYP

1. Using your funny voice for the scripted reading lesson on the day your principal observed

Week of May 2, 2011

2011-05-01T15:38:00.012-05:00

Top Ten Signs Your School Bus Driver is a Retired Commercial Airline Pilot

10. He makes you take off your shoes before you get on the bus.

9. You can't have more than three ounces of liquid in your bag lunch.

8. He always makes you check your backpack, and then he charges you for it.

7. When the bus is fully loaded, it always - and for no apparent reason - stops and sits on the street for forty-five minutes before taking off.

6. From time to time he uses the bus intercom to tell you over what roadkill you are passing.

5. When things get a little manic in the back of the bus, he turns on the "fasten seatbelt" sign.

4. You can't ever - ever - use near him the expression "bombed the test."

3. He always tells you that it's not safe to move about the cabin.

2. He uses the intercom to report on the time and temperature at the school when you arrive.

1. He always somehow manages to lose your backpack.

STUDY LOG

Because my test scores have been so low this term, my history teacher asked me to record what I do to get ready for a test. So here it is. I'm really going to work hard tonight to get a good grade on this test tomorrow.

7:00 - 7:20 I read over the chapter summaries. It was so boring. I didn't remember any of it. I'll have to try again after I change the channel on the television and put on a new CD.

7:20 - 8:00 I read over the notes in my notebook. My favorite was the one from Maureen. She writes the best notes. There was also some stuff in there about history and I read that over too, but it didn't make much sense.

8:00 - 8:05 I looked over the chapters again and I think I'm studying the wrong stuff. I'll have to call Shelly to see what chapters this test covers.

8:05 - 9:15 Talked to Shelly about the test. She doesn't know what chapters it covers either.

9:15 - 9:25 Found a review sheet from my teacher and finished the really cool design I had started to draw on it.

9:25 - 9:40 I finally got all those little pieces of paper out of my spiral notebook. They are those little bits that are left over when I tear out a sheet and they really bug me. Now I can get some serious work done.

9:40 - 10:15 Took a snack break.

10:15 - 11:00 Took a bathroom break.

11:00 - 11:50 Looked over some worksheets, but I have no idea what transverse and longitudinal waves have to do with American history.

11:50 - 12:20 Skimmed through the book again. Found some really cool pictures, but nothing seems to be getting into my head.

12:20 - 1:05 Read over a chapter from the book. It seems to be about the same stuff that the test will cover - you know, old stuff, wars, and presidents.

1:05 My mom told me that I had studied enough and that it was time to go to sleep. I'm really looking forward to this test tomorrow. This is the best I've ever worked to get ready. Wow - over six straight hours of study.